Angels and Miracles
I don’t consider myself a religious person, but I do think I am spiritual.
After my wife Allyson’s passing, I often reflect on how we met and the life we built together. It feels as though we cannot simply be a collection of random atoms and molecules in a chaotic cosmic soup. I would like to think there’s something more purposeful, more divine.
Just imagine the number of random things that had to happen perfectly for Allyson and I to meet. Any small deviation could have derailed that from happening.
Maybe I never immigrated to the US. Maybe I went to a different college. Maybe I took a different job after graduation instead of working for the US Army. Now multiply that by all the random events in Allyson’s life.
And yet, we met and built a life together. How miraculous is that? Was it destiny?
I remember the first time I reached my hand out to Allyson. When she held my hand back, our fingers interlaced perfectly together. No awkwardness, no fidgeting. Just perfect together, as one.
As Elvis famously sang: take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can’t help falling in love with you. We belonged with each other.
Who sent Allyson my way? I have no idea, but someone was looking out for me and sent me an angel, my Allyson. Unfortunately, she’s now gone at only 49 years old, way too soon.
I do still feel her presence. Maybe something comes up on the TV and I look to her side of the bed and talk to her. Or when the car plays the right song, I look to the passenger seat as if she’s still there. I reach my hand out so she can hold it, just like she used to. I imagine she’s holding my hand with her subtle yet beautiful smile.
When Allyson and I were dating, I would joke that she might not want to marry me, because my family has a history of divorces and second marriages.
My father was a successful tech executive. He and my mom divorced when I was in college and he married my step mom who was many years younger. My paternal grandfather was a General in the Taiwan National Army. My grandmother was his second wife, I think also much younger.
Allyson did not find that funny at all, and I quickly learned not to talk about it. She and I were going to be together forever, until the unthinkable happened last year.
The thought of spending the next 20, 30, or 40 years alone is daunting. After Allyson’s funeral, my dad gave me fatherly advice. He told me to learn to live well alone. As usual, his words has much foresight and wisdom.
Something mystical happened recently that made me feel Allyson’s presence.
As an early retiree, I drive rideshare to pass the time. A few weeks ago, I picked up a passenger. Her name is E. She was going to work. She was attractive, in a plain-jane way, not like Allyson who was stunningly beautiful. Rather than burying herself in her phone, she confidently struck a conversation with me. She recently graduated with a Master’s degree and is now working at Microsoft.
I found her particularly intriguing. A nice young woman who isn’t constantly attached to her phone and is capable of holding a well balanced conversation. Call me old fashioned, but that seems like a rare combination.
After I dropped her off, I realized that I missed an opportunity. I should have asked her out. I’ve been out of the game so long that I didn’t even know there is one. I thought to myself, if I ever get matched with her again, I will offer to buy her a cup of coffee.
A few days go by, and I’m driving my usual route home past the Microsoft campus. A song comes up, and I imagine Allyson is in the passenger seat next to me. I tell her that she is always the one for me, and that I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life alone. No one will ever replace her in my heart, but perhaps my heart is big enough for another. I would like to get her blessing to meet someone new.
Just then, I got a ride request. A pickup at Microsoft. It’s E! I couldn’t believe it.
She went to work early that day due to morning meetings. Now she’s tired and going home. After some small talk, I told her that it was interesting that we were matched together twice in successive weeks. I asked if she would like to grab a cup of coffee sometime? Politely, she declined. She has a boyfriend. I simply said that he’s a really lucky man, and drove her home.
Maybe this was just a coincidence, just a chance event in a random world. But I think Allyson was listening, and she answered me. Allyson pulled the necessary strings from the other side and sent E my way. Even though I didn’t get that coffee date, I’m glad Allyson hears me and is looking out for me.
She was and still is my angel.
A friend recently asked in the most sincere and supportive way whether I will remarry. I told him I don’t think it’s that easy to meet the right person, especially in Seattle. I don’t know if lightning can strike twice. Maybe I’ll have better luck after moving back to Taiwan.
It feels like a miracle that Allyson and I met, and if another miracle were to happen where I find a new angel, this time I will know who sent her my way.