It’s Christmas time. As I do every year, I turn up the holiday music. Mariah Carey’s song, All I Want for Christmas Is You, eventually comes up. This year, with the recent passing of my wife Allyson, this song hits differently.
I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
I’m not a crier, but instead, I get teared up. When I hear this song, and lots of little moments throughout the day, I think of her. Emotions take over. My chest tightens. My body quivers. My breath shortens, and my eyes water up. I close my eyes, take deep breaths, allow the moment to happen, and wait for the raw emotions to pass by.
Previously I didn’t understand the expression that the heart feels half empty. Now, I do. The wound is there, and the pain is present.
On Instagram, I found a few accounts that focus on grief of lost spouses. It’s helped me gain a little more understanding of this new world. There is something very different about losing a spouse.
When we were young and growing up, we are our own person. We are used to doing things our way, by ourselves. Then, we meet that someone special, and you transition into a…