A King without his Queen
While going through Allyson’s things, I found her diaries. It was difficult to read about her struggles with her body weight. I don’t think I was a negligent husband, but for whatever reason, she didn’t talk to me about it. I will have to live knowing that I let her down.
What if I could do things over again? When my mind allows me to, I think about possible alternative timelines…
Allyson and I met summer of 1997. By late 1998, as I kissed her goodbye at the airport before a Christmas trip to Asia, I knew she was the one.
Crazy Rich Asians is one of Allyson’s favorite movies. We’ve watched it together many times. Sometimes I wonder if Allyson imagines herself as Rachel, and relives the feelings when she met my family for the first time. Sorry ladies, but I’m no Nick Young!
The climax of the movie was the airplane proposal as Rachel was to return to New York. In early 2000, just like the movie, we travelled to the Far East for my sister’s wedding. It was Allyson’s first time in Taiwan. Looking at pictures from the wedding, she was absolutely radiant and stunning. My world pauses for a moment every time I look at this picture.
I was such a fool. I should have proposed to her in Taipei. Taipei 101 would be a perfect location now, but it wasn’t built until 2004. Maybe instead, I could have taken her for an evening stroll to Liberty Square at the Chiang Kai Shek Memorial. With the Memorial and concert halls backlit against the evening sky, I would get down on one knee and ask her to marry me. Assuming she says yes, it would be such a happy and special memory for her first trip to Taiwan.
I tell my kids that if they find the right girl, don’t wait so long like me. Start a family sooner than later. Don’t worry about the money or career. Focus on the family and the other things will take care of themselves.
Allyson and I had planned to move to Taiwan as empty nesters. Taipei is a super walkable city with lots of great seafood and vegetarian restaurants. Allyson doesn’t like to cook, so she was totally onboard with Taiwan’s eating out culture.
As we were approaching our 50s, I honestly believed Taiwan’s lifestyle and fresh food would be good for her health. Sadly, her body didn’t allow this dream to come true. She succumbed to cancer in 2024 at age 49.
But what if we had moved to Taiwan earlier? If I wasn’t so tunnel visioned with my career, maybe we could have done it in 2012. To be fair, neither of us ever brought up the idea.
By 2012, I became a Senior Software Engineer, which at Google, is a big deal. It’s like becoming a tenured professor at a university. The US real estate market started to thaw from the great financial crisis, and we sold our old home to move to Sammamish. I was in a good spot at work and would be promoted again four years later.
What if we had taken the opportunity to move to Taiwan instead? In 2012, the kids would be 8 and 5 years old. Google actually has an office in Taipei 101 on the 73rd floor. I would be able to stay with the company, albeit at a massive pay cut with Taiwan salaries.
We can live near where I grew up in Taipei. Who knows, maybe the kids could even attend my old elementary school. They would learn the language and the blended Chinese/Taiwanese culture. Allyson could take mandarin classes at local universities and blossom into her new life in Asia. Everyday would be a fun new adventure.
We would definitely rent and have less money, but I think we would be happy. And if that meant Allyson would be able to improve her health, that’s worth more than anything else.
When the kids are middle school age, we can optionally move back to the US, whether Seattle or anywhere Google has an office. Maybe even back to the NYC area to be closer to our families and friends.
The kids can still get their American education and attend US colleges. I think a mixed upbringing of Asian work ethic and American individualism is the best of both worlds.
The promise of all this, is that the years in Taipei would transform Allyson’s health and diet, hopefully sidestepping the entire cancer situation. And if not, at least she could be happier about her own body, and had a chance to experience life on the other side of the world.
What if this could have saved her life? What if…
As we calcify into our adult lives, our figurative wheels often get stuck in the same well-travelled rut as others. A change like this could be the jolt we need to free up those wheels and navigate down our own path.
Through new experiences, we can reinvigorate our innate ability to love and appreciate life. That life should be fun and enjoyable, and that the moments we have are precious. We need to find happiness in the things that we do, and to enjoy life to the fullest each day.
These are just the fantasies of a middle-aged man. The longer we live, the more likelihood we have regrets. I was busy and successful at my career. And in doing so, maybe I missed the bigger picture. Of course there was no way for me to know without hindsight.
Unfortunately, wisdom is gained through suffering. I am a king without my queen. A lion without his lioness. Our cubs will soon leave the pride as young adults. I am destined to roam the savanna alone. No one to hear me roar.
Allyson, forgive me for not seeing and helping you with your struggles. I would do anything to have a second chance, even if it’s just in my dreams.
